Grey : 50 nuances de zizi qui parle (46)

La fin -4 ! Et les reste… toujours par là.

Résumé des épisodes précédents : Christian nous offre une séance stalker, une séance gênante de plus au bureau avant de jouer les Drax qui tente de piger une métaphore chez le psy (je sais, ce n’est pas gentil pour ce pauvre Drax…)

En avant pour la fin du chapitre !

Tuesday, June 7, 2011
(chap. 23 – part 2)

I inhale sharply, my gut tightening with fear.
“Horrified,” I whisper.
Aaaah le complexe du héros ténébreux qui ne comprend pas qu’on puisse l’aime. On n’avait pas vu ça depuis… houlà ! Au moins… pfiou ! Tout ça… -___-«  » »

“Of course you did.” He shakes his head. “You’re not the monster you think you are.
Non en effet : il est encore PIRE ! >.<

You’re more than worthy of affection, Christian. You know that. I’ve told you often enough. It’s only in your mind that you’re not.”
I give him a level gaze, ignoring his platitude.
C’est ça, confis-toi dans ton malheur : t’as l’impression d’être un être à part comme ça (oui, lesg ens qui se plaignet d’un truc alors qu’ils auraient un tooout petit effort personnel à faire pour le faire changer, ça me gave. De plus en plus).

“And how do you feel now?” he asks.
Lost. I feel lost.
“I miss her. I want to see her.” I’m in the confessional once more, owning up to my sins: the dark, dark need that I have for her, as if she were an addiction.
“So in spite of the fact that, as you perceive it, she couldn’t fulfill your needs, you miss her?”
“Yes. It’s not just my perception, John. She can’t be what I want her to be, and I can’t be what she wants me to be.”
“Are you sure?”
Question judicieuse en effet

“She walked out.”
Oui enfin en même temps…

“She walked out because you belted her.
… tu n’as rien fait pour la faire rester non plus.

If she doesn’t share your tastes, can you blame her?”
“No.”
“Have you thought about trying a relationship her way?”
What?
OH MON DIEU !! Et ne plus être qu’un… qu’un… qu’un vulgaire petit ami très très riche ??? /°o°\

I stare at him, shocked. He continues, “Did you find sexual relations with her satisfying?”
“Yes, of course,” I snap, irritated. He ignores my tone.
“Did you find beating her satisfying?”
“Very.”
“Would you like to do it again?”
Do that to her again? And watch her walk out—again?
“No.”
“And why’s that?”
“Because it’s not her scene. I hurt her. Really hurt her…and she can’t…she won’t…” I pause. “She doesn’t enjoy it. She was angry. Really fucking angry.” Her expression, her wounded eyes, will haunt me for a long time…and I never want to be the cause of that look again.
500+ pages pour en arriver là. Plus jamais je ne m’accuse de tourner en rond -_-

“Are you surprised?”
I shake my head. “She was mad,” I whisper. “I’d never seen her so angry.”
“How did that make you feel?”
“Helpless.”
“And that’s a familiar feeling,” he prompts.
“Familiar, how?” What does he mean?
“Don’t you recognize yourself at all? Your past?” His question knocks me off balance.
Fuck, we’ve been over and over this.
Pas assez faut croire… :-/

“No, I don’t. It’s different. The relationship I had with Mrs. Lincoln was completely different.”
“I wasn’t referring to Mrs. Lincoln.”

“What were you referring to?” My voice is pin-drop quiet, because suddenly I see where he’s going with this.
“You know.”
I gulp for air, swamped by the impotence and rage of a defenseless child. Yes. The rage. The deep infuriating rage…and fear. The darkness swirls angrily inside me.
“It’s not the same,” I hiss through gritted teeth, as I strain to hold my temper.
“No, it’s not,” Flynn concedes.
But the image of her rage comes unwelcome to my mind.
This is what you really like? Me, like this?”
It dampens my anger.
Il vise bien ce monsieur Flynn dites donc…

“I know what you’re trying to do here, Doctor, but it’s an unfair comparison. She asked me to show her. She’s a consenting adult, for fuck’s sake. She could have safe-worded. She could have told me to stop. She didn’t.”
C’est amusant j’ai l’impression de voir un môme de 4 ans en argumentaire « maaaaiiis eeeeuuhh c’est sa faute à elle d’abord !! Moi je suis gentil !! »

“I know. I know.” He holds his hand up. “I’m just callously illustrating a point, Christian. You’re an angry man, and you have every reason to be. I’m not going to rehash all that right now—you’re obviously suffering, and the whole point of these sessions is to move you to a place where you are more accepting and comfortable with yourself.” He pauses. “This girl…”
“Anastasia,” I mutter petulantly.
Oui ben il est psy, pas devin non plus !

“Anastasia. She’s obviously had a profound effect on you. Her leaving has triggered your abandonment issues and your PTSD. She clearly means much more to you than you’re willing to admit to yourself.”
I take a sharp breath. Is that why this is so painful? Because she means more, so much more?
Again, 500+ pages pour… ça. On dirait un volcan rageur qui accouche d’un pétard mouillé.

“You need to focus on where you want to be,” Flynn continues. “And it sounds to me like you want to be with this girl. You miss her. Do you want to be with her?”
Be with Ana?
Non avec TA SECRÉTAIRE SINISTRE IMBÉCILE ! Rha mais qu’il est niais ! >.<

“Yes,” I whisper.
“Then you have to focus on that goal. This goes back to what I’ve been banging on about for our last few sessions—the SFBT. If she’s in love with you, as she told you she is, she must be suffering, too. So I repeat my question: have you considered a more conventional relationship with this girl?”
“No, I haven’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s never occurred to me that I could.”
En même si tu te donnes pas la peine d’essayer…

“Well if she’s not prepared to be your submissive, you can’t play the role of dominant.”
I glare at him. It’s not a role—it’s who I am.
Ouiiiii….et les petits garçons pour halloween sont batman et superman pour de vrai aussi, tout à fait *nodnodnod*

And from nowhere, I recall an earlier e-mail to Anastasia. My words: What I think you fail to realize is that in Dom/sub relationships it is the sub who has all the power. That’s you. I’ll repeat this—you are the one with all the power. Not I. If she doesn’t want to do this…then neither can I.
Hope stirs in my chest.
Could I?
Could I have a vanilla relationship with Anastasia?
My scalp prickles.
Fuck. Possibly.
If I could, would she want me back?
« Oh mon dieu ! Pourrais-je me comporter en être humain décent et avoir une vraie relation avec une fille ? En serai-je capable ? » Non mais le niveau du questionnement, sérieusement -___-

“Christian, you have demonstrated that you are an extraordinarily capable person, in spite of your problems. You’re a rare individual. Once you focus on a goal, you drive ahead and achieve it—usually surpassing all your own expectations. Listening to you today, it’s clear you were focused on getting Anastasia to where you wanted her to be, but you didn’t take into account her inexperience or her feelings.
Il avait juste oublié qu’elle était une personne avec ses propres envies et besoin, oui, en effet

It seems to me that you’ve been so focused on reaching your goal that you missed the journey that you were taking together.”
The last month flashes before me: her tripping into my office, her acute embarrassment at Clayton’s, her witty, snarky e-mails, her smart mouth… her giggle…her quiet fortitude and defiance, her courage—and it occurs to me that I have enjoyed every single minute. Every infuriating, distracting, humorous, sensual, carnal second of her—yes, I have. We’ve been on an extraordinary journey, both of us—well, I certainly have.

My thoughts take a darker turn.
She doesn’t know the depths of my depravity, the darkness in my soul, the monster beneath—maybe I should leave her alone.
I’m not worthy of her. She can’t love me.
AH MAIS C’EST PAS VRAI !!!

But even as I think the words, I know that I don’t have the strength to stay away from her…if she’ll have me.
Flynn summons my attention. “Christian, think about it. Our time is up now. I want to see you in a few days and talk through some of the other issues you mentioned. I’ll have Janet call Andrea and arrange an appointment.” He stands, and I know it’s time to leave.
“You’ve given me a lot to think about,” I tell him.
“I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t. Just a few days, Christian. We have so much more to talk about.”
On dirait un savant fou qui s’apprête à disséquer une bestiole vivante ^^;

He shakes my hand and gives me a reassuring smile, and I leave with a small blossom of hope.
*ne fera pas de commentaire au risque de se remettre à crier*

 

STANDING ON THE BALCONY, I survey Seattle at night. Up here I’m at one remove, away from it all. What did she call it?
My ivory tower.
Normally I find it peaceful—but lately my peace of mind has been shattered by a certain blue-eyed young woman.
Mais c’est tellement usé le poncif du héros ténébreux qui pense à son aimée qu’on voit le jour au travers !! >.<

Have you thought about trying a relationship her way?” Flynn’s words taunt me, suggesting so many possibilities.
Could I win her back? The thought terrifies me.
I take a sip of my cognac. Why would she want me back?
Question légitime s’il en fut !

Could I ever be what she wants me to be? I won’t let go of my hope. I need to find a way.
I need her.
Something startles me—a movement, a shadow at the periphery of my vision. I frown. What the…? I turn toward the shadow, but find nothing. I’m seeing things now. I slug the cognac and head back into the living room.
Oh oui, retire-toi dans ton antre tel le héros ténébreux que tu es…. Mais sérieux c’est aussi crédible qu’Arlette Laguillier candidate à la Maison Blanche !

 

Notre stalker parviendra-t-il à s’acheter une personnalité digne de ce nom ? Ou bien devra-t-il demander à son éminence grise de lui en dénicher une quelque part au marché noir ? Va-t-on revoir notre nénunu avant la fin du bouquin ? La suite au prochain chapitre !

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